Sunday, December 15, 2013

Just when you thought you would settle for "mediocre"

Just when you thought you would settle for "mediocre"
Just when you figured you'd just say "ok"
Just when you feared things may never change
IT happens. 
Life happens.
Something happens that catches you off guard & forces you to reconsider your original assumptions. 
When you aren't looking. 
When you're distracted & suddenly no longer consumed with analyzing every second of every day. 
That's when IT happens. 
When your eyes are shut for that one split second.
When you change your focus from the target taunting you up ahead.
When you look down & your heart follows, leaving you in a dark place.
That THING happens.
In the midst of all the crap being thrown at you.
When you're exhausted from all the little ticks/miniature seizures
When you're tired of the loud & obnoxious screaming coming from your hips.
When you're ready for a date on your social calendar that doesn't involve four hours with an IV.
When you've hit a brick wall eating the same three foods every day. 
When you no longer can distinguish up from down
When you fear your best friend is your bathtub.
That is when this miraculous occurrence HAPPENS. 
I made it through another semester of school.
The hardest one on record.
The first time since my year at Frostburg that I truly feared I'd have to drop my classes.
It's not even that I lose interest in learning. 
It's not that I don't like school.
It's not that I don't want to commit.
My life just spontaneously clouds up sometimes & everything becomes a blur! 
I struggle, sometimes literally & sometimes figuratively, to get everything straight in my brain (gotta love Lyme brain fog!). 
THAT makes school really really challenging at times. 
Or maybe I just started a new protocol & it requires taking pills at odd, random, hard-to-remember times of the day & that can get exhausting! 
I was hoping I would make it to the end of the semester without having to pull the plug & I DID
I can't exactly tell you how I did. 
I can't say there's a magic mixture for success.
I can't explain how I overcame those days riddled with pain & no pain-killers while I had papers due. 
I don't have an explanation but it happened. 
It just happened & I am beyond ECSTATIC about it!!!! 
I'm ready for the next crazy task
I'm not afraid to fight.
I won't shy away from a challenge
War paint & boxing gloves don't scare me.
I fear they'll be taken from me by these evil little bugs.
My next goal is to even out the playing field. 
My next goal is to be just as comfortable with success as I am with a fight. 
It'd be nice to put on some earrings & a necklace instead of war paint for once. 
Keep fighting the fight. 
That THING will happen someday when you least expect it. 
, Allie

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