I can't do this anymore.
I can't live in a constant state of inflammation.
I can't pretend this is OK.
I can't hide from people I love.
I can't be considering quitting my job.
I can't be thinking of dropping out of school.
I can't cry when I get dressed.
I can't lose track of the last time I hung out with friends.
I can't be frustrated 24/7.
I can't be in such a dark place.
I can't ignore this problem.
I can't do this alone.
I can't blame myself.
I can't move forward without addressing the present.
I can't ALWAYS be making plans for my future then changing them at the last minute.
I can't live in the shadows.
I can't be afraid to admit I'm struggling.
I can't be too scared to say this won't fix itself overnight.
I can't stow away my favorite clothes because I'm too swollen to fit into them.
I can't be someone I'm not.
THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN; THIS IS THE CARD I WAS DEALT; I NEVER WANTED TO BE SO WEIRD.
But you know what? I'm not afraid to admit that anymore. I'm not afraid to say, "this sucks sometimes (most of the time) & I don't know why I have to live this way when the rest of my friends & family do not". I know I said that being told it's been Chronic Lyme was a game-changer but, I lied. I was lying to myself when I said that. That label wasn't enough to keep me going. I still find myself spiraling out of control & landing in a very dark place in my heart & soul. I've tried to be cavalier about these radical dietary changes I've had to make but I need more than that now. I need more than a bunch of inspirational quotes & smiley faces in text messages. I need drastic measures to be made. I need gluten out of the house; dried fruits out of the house; chocolate candy bars out of the house; grape jelly out of the house; potato chips out of the house. The temptations are too strong for me right now while I'm in this fragile state. I'm a human, not a robot. :(
In order for me to see if my body can bounce back to a MUCH better place like it did when I initially started the SCD back in 2011, I have to go full throttle. I have to start from scratch to kill off the Lyme bacteria & calm down my heightened autoimmune response. Chicken soup for a week, then one food reintroduced at a time every couple of days. I have to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. Only my LIFE to gain. It'll be hard but my life is at stake. I don't have a choice!
When it's tough, I'll admit it. When I'm ready to cry, I'll cry. The only way I can do this is if I'm completely honest. And of course, I MUST not forget to giggle. Giggling is a huge contributing factor to my wellness. ;) AND I have to write/doodle in my diary... ;D
So all I ask of you right now is patience. That's all I'm asking for. I might be quick to hide from you or hesitant to hang out but it's not because I don't like you. It's not because you aren't worth my time. It's because I'm struggling both inside & out. The ground I'm standing on is very unstable right now & it makes everything scarier & more daunting for me to take on. But I'm trying with all my might to just keep moving & staying positive; I give you my word on that. ❤
Until next time, I wish you only the best most happiest thoughts & the brightest of days. If you're going through a tough time right now with your body, take a deep breath & reach out for help. Someone will be there to take your hand. I AM HERE to take your hand.