Sunday, July 28, 2013

No more pretending.

I can't do this anymore. 
I can't live in a constant state of inflammation. 
I can't pretend this is OK. 
I can't hide from people I love. 
I can't be considering quitting my job. 
I can't be thinking of dropping out of school. 
I can't cry when I get dressed. 
I can't lose track of the last time I hung out with friends. 
I can't be frustrated 24/7. 
I can't be in such a dark place. 
I can't ignore this problem. 
I can't do this alone. 
I can't blame myself. 
I can't move forward without addressing the present. 
I can't ALWAYS be making plans for my future then changing them at the last minute. 
I can't live in the shadows. 
I can't be afraid to admit I'm struggling. 
I can't be too scared to say this won't fix itself overnight. 
I can't stow away my favorite clothes because I'm too swollen to fit into them. 
I can't be someone I'm not. 


But you know what? I'm not afraid to admit that anymore. I'm not afraid to say, "this sucks sometimes (most of the time) & I don't know why I have to live this way when the rest of my friends & family do not". I know I said that being told it's been Chronic Lyme was a game-changer but, I lied. I was lying to myself when I said that. That label wasn't enough to keep me going. I still find myself spiraling out of control & landing in a very dark place in my heart & soul. I've tried to be cavalier about these radical dietary changes I've had to make but I need more than that now. I need more than a bunch of inspirational quotes & smiley faces in text messages. I need drastic measures to be made. I need gluten out of the house; dried fruits out of the house; chocolate candy bars out of the house; grape jelly out of the house; potato chips out of the house. The temptations are too strong for me right now while I'm in this fragile state. I'm a human, not a robot. :(

In order for me to see if my body can bounce back to a MUCH better place like it did when I initially started the SCD back in 2011, I have to go full throttle. I have to start from scratch to kill off the Lyme bacteria & calm down my heightened autoimmune response. Chicken soup for a week, then one food reintroduced at a time every couple of days. I have to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. Only my LIFE to gain. It'll be hard but my life is at stake. I don't have a choice! 

When it's tough, I'll admit it. When I'm ready to cry, I'll cry. The only way I can do this is if I'm completely honest. And of course, I MUST not forget to giggle. Giggling is a huge contributing factor to my wellness. ;) AND I have to write/doodle in my diary... ;D 

So all I ask of you right now is patience. That's all I'm asking for. I might be quick to hide from you or hesitant to hang out but it's not because I don't like you. It's not because you aren't worth my time. It's because I'm struggling both inside & out. The ground I'm standing on is very unstable right now & it makes everything scarier & more daunting for me to take on. But I'm trying with all my might to just keep moving & staying positive; I give you my word on that.
Until next time, I wish you only the best most happiest thoughts & the brightest of days. If you're going through a tough time right now with your body, take a deep breath & reach out for help. Someone will be there to take your hand. I AM HERE to take your hand. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Scrambled eggs.

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted in about a month. Or why I never returned your text/facebook message/email/phone call. Well, my brain feels like scrambled eggs and here's why. :{  

Let's see.... One, two, three, four, five, six,....TWELVE. 
I wake up every morning with more on my mind than you'd think to be physically possible. 
I set my alarm for an early hour so I can take my thyroid pill. Then I wait 30 minutes to an hour so I can take each of my three "killing herbs": samento, banderol, & burbur. They have to be taken 15 minutes apart from each other so there goes another 30 minutes. Once the herbs are checked off my list, then I see if I'm feeling well enough for breakfast (which will probably be chicken soup). If I decide to eat, then I take out my bottle of digestive enzymes & pop a handful of those into my mouth & wash them down with a small swig of lemon water. Since I'm eating something, I'll try to take either my probiotics or my multivitamin because they have to be taken with food. Maybe a half hour later or a few hours afterwards (depending on how organized I am that day), I try to choke down a couple ounces of water with L-Glutamine mixed in to heal my stomach lining. At any point during the day (at least three times), I also have to take my cell salts to help with inflammation. LUCKILY, those salts don't have to be taken at any specific time. I'll probably head off to work at this point, hopefully having met my morning requirements so I have less left to worry about when I get home. If not, when I come home, I try to catch up & get on track. If I eat something, I have to take more digestive enzymes. Perhaps I'll take my zinc if I remember. This means more water. And more water. AND MORE DANG WATER!!!! GAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! If I forgot to take my probiotics earlier, I'll take them with dinner. Once I eat dinner, I take a look at the time & make a mental note to take my herbs AGAIN for my second dose in a few hours once the food has partially digested. And as I'm eating or immediately after, I have to pop more digestive enzymes. So now I have to wait for the food to digest & for the supplements to do their "thing" so the herbs aren't disturbed. Once I take the herbs for the final time of the day (30 minutes wasted), I wait another 30 minutes or so to take my magnesium & curcumin. The herbs have to be separate from the other supplements. I usually take those right before bed. And then, BOOM. It's finally time to shut my brain off. 
I assumed this whole treatment deal would be a walk in the park. I have never been more WRONG in my entire life. If I seem to be on another planet next time we chat, please forgive me as I'm probably trying to map out the next best time to take a supplement. Oh & I'm supposed to be able to fit a 21 year-old's life, a salt bath, & FUN in there too... Hmm.... Still trying to figure out the method to this madness. Pretty please bear with me.