Sunday, July 28, 2013

No more pretending.

I can't do this anymore. 
I can't live in a constant state of inflammation. 
I can't pretend this is OK. 
I can't hide from people I love. 
I can't be considering quitting my job. 
I can't be thinking of dropping out of school. 
I can't cry when I get dressed. 
I can't lose track of the last time I hung out with friends. 
I can't be frustrated 24/7. 
I can't be in such a dark place. 
I can't ignore this problem. 
I can't do this alone. 
I can't blame myself. 
I can't move forward without addressing the present. 
I can't ALWAYS be making plans for my future then changing them at the last minute. 
I can't live in the shadows. 
I can't be afraid to admit I'm struggling. 
I can't be too scared to say this won't fix itself overnight. 
I can't stow away my favorite clothes because I'm too swollen to fit into them. 
I can't be someone I'm not. 


But you know what? I'm not afraid to admit that anymore. I'm not afraid to say, "this sucks sometimes (most of the time) & I don't know why I have to live this way when the rest of my friends & family do not". I know I said that being told it's been Chronic Lyme was a game-changer but, I lied. I was lying to myself when I said that. That label wasn't enough to keep me going. I still find myself spiraling out of control & landing in a very dark place in my heart & soul. I've tried to be cavalier about these radical dietary changes I've had to make but I need more than that now. I need more than a bunch of inspirational quotes & smiley faces in text messages. I need drastic measures to be made. I need gluten out of the house; dried fruits out of the house; chocolate candy bars out of the house; grape jelly out of the house; potato chips out of the house. The temptations are too strong for me right now while I'm in this fragile state. I'm a human, not a robot. :(

In order for me to see if my body can bounce back to a MUCH better place like it did when I initially started the SCD back in 2011, I have to go full throttle. I have to start from scratch to kill off the Lyme bacteria & calm down my heightened autoimmune response. Chicken soup for a week, then one food reintroduced at a time every couple of days. I have to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. Only my LIFE to gain. It'll be hard but my life is at stake. I don't have a choice! 

When it's tough, I'll admit it. When I'm ready to cry, I'll cry. The only way I can do this is if I'm completely honest. And of course, I MUST not forget to giggle. Giggling is a huge contributing factor to my wellness. ;) AND I have to write/doodle in my diary... ;D 

So all I ask of you right now is patience. That's all I'm asking for. I might be quick to hide from you or hesitant to hang out but it's not because I don't like you. It's not because you aren't worth my time. It's because I'm struggling both inside & out. The ground I'm standing on is very unstable right now & it makes everything scarier & more daunting for me to take on. But I'm trying with all my might to just keep moving & staying positive; I give you my word on that.
Until next time, I wish you only the best most happiest thoughts & the brightest of days. If you're going through a tough time right now with your body, take a deep breath & reach out for help. Someone will be there to take your hand. I AM HERE to take your hand. 

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry you are going through this. I cook for my hubby who has the digestion problems and sometimes he just has to go off the diet and eat something, but then he knows its best to be on the diet and he gets better. It's hard and my prayers are with you.