2013 ends on a lovely note

My plan was to post AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE throughout the month of December. 

A post every couple of days maybe.

I wanted to get as many hits as I could before the new year started.

I was hoping to maybe get another follower, too, if possible.

Well, 

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN

and I couldn't be happier about it.

❤ 

Life had a surprise in store for me. 

A very special gift.

No, it wasn't wrapped up like a present under the Christmas tree.

No, I didn't find it in my stocking.

No, it's not something that can be bought.

No, it doesn't have a price.

I'm talking about something better.

Something DIFFERENT.

I'm talking about something invisible to the naked eye.

I'm talking about something you can't see from outer space.

I'm talking about something you can't measure.

I'm talking about something you can't explain.

I'm talking about LOVE.

The best medicine out there. 

The magic behind my smile.

The motivation I need to follow through with Lyme treatment/annoying alarms for pills every few hours.

The distraction I need from the curveballs my body throws at me.

The one thing I was missing.

I didn't know LOVE could be so healing.

I didn't know love was the missing link in my treatment plan.

I didn't know love would be the voice in my head, telling me to eat chicken instead of potato chips or cheese or bread or sugar. 

Am I READY for love?

Of course I am.

I don't want to over-think this.

I don't want to do what I do best; run away from affection.

I want to prove myself wrong.

I want to show myself there's nothing wrong with being afraid of love but that if love knocks on your door, run to the door as fast as you can & embrace that love with OPEN ARMS!

Don't run away from happiness, you goof!!!!! 

Don't be scared you aren't good enough.

Don't be scared your body will destroy the magic.

Just breathe & be YOURSELF, food issues/twitches/tummy aches/sore joints/sweating/dates interrupted/tiredness included.  

You are allowed to be HAPPY, no matter what foods are/are not on your dinner plate.  

Now that we've discussed the importance of love, 

get out there & SEIZE the day!!!!! 

The very last day of 2013! 

What to do, what to do.....

Cook some soup?

Make some zucchini pasta?

Do some yoga?

Read a book?

Watch a movie?

Blog?

Wear your fuzzy bathrobe around the house?

Sing in the shower?

Wear your favorite compression socks?

Get lost in the Twilight Zone?

Take a salt bath?

Smile a million times?

Make SCD goodies?

Go shopping for a New Years Eve outfit?

I'm sure you'll think of something.

;) 

Lots & lots of love, 

Allie

❤

PS Seriously though; what are your plans? Anything special?

Just when you thought you would settle for "mediocre"

Just when you thought you would settle for "mediocre". 

Just when you figured you'd just say "ok". 

Just when you feared things may never change. 

IT happens. 

Life happens.

Something happens that catches you off guard & forces you to reconsider your original assumptions. 

When you aren't looking. 

When you're distracted & suddenly no longer consumed with analyzing every second of every day. 

That's when IT happens. 

When your eyes are shut for that one split second.

When you change your focus from the target taunting you up ahead.

When you look down & your heart follows, leaving you in a dark place.

That THING happens.

In the midst of all the crap being thrown at you.

When you're exhausted from all the little ticks/miniature seizures. 

When you're tired of the loud & obnoxious screaming coming from your hips.

When you're ready for a date on your social calendar that doesn't involve four hours with an IV.

When you've hit a brick wall eating the same three foods every day. 

When you no longer can distinguish up from down. 

When you fear your best friend is your bathtub.

That is when this miraculous occurrence HAPPENS. 

I made it through another semester of school.

The hardest one on record.

The first time since my year at Frostburg that I truly feared I'd have to drop my classes.

It's not even that I lose interest in learning. 

It's not that I don't like school.

It's not that I don't want to commit.

My life just spontaneously clouds up sometimes & everything becomes a blur! 

I struggle, sometimes literally & sometimes figuratively, to get everything straight in my brain (gotta love Lyme brain fog!). 

THAT makes school really really challenging at times. 

Or maybe I just started a new protocol & it requires taking pills at odd, random, hard-to-remember times of the day & that can get exhausting! 

I was hoping I would make it to the end of the semester without having to pull the plug & I DID. 

I can't exactly tell you how I did. 

I can't say there's a magic mixture for success.

I can't explain how I overcame those days riddled with pain & no pain-killers while I had papers due. 

I don't have an explanation but it happened. 

It just happened & I am beyond ECSTATIC about it!!!! 

I'm ready for the next crazy task. 

I'm not afraid to fight.

I won't shy away from a challenge. 

War paint & boxing gloves don't scare me.

SUCCESS & FREEDOM & HAPPINESS scare me. 

I fear they'll be taken from me by these evil little bugs.

My next goal is to even out the playing field. 

My next goal is to be just as comfortable with success as I am with a fight. 

It'd be nice to put on some earrings & a necklace instead of war paint for once. 

;) 

Keep fighting the fight. 

That THING will happen someday when you least expect it. 

❤, Allie

sunshine, daisies, blue skies, and ANTIBIOTICS

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling.

I am at a loss of words (in a mostly GOOD way!). *giggle giggle*

I started a new chapter of healing yesterday.

I looked in a different direction.

I put my faith into something I was unsure of merely 24 hours earlier.

I jumped without looking first.

I took off my training wheels & put the pedal to the metal. 

I started antibiotics yesterday.

I finally broke through the barrier I put up between myself & those pills.

For some reason, in my mind, antibiotics always = FAILURE.

I finally convinced myself that taking antibiotics DOES NOT mean I'm giving up.

Taking antibiotics DOES NOT mean I failed.

Starting these drugs DOES NOT mean I royally screwed up. 

Antibiotics are a push that I need. Antibiotics are help I've been too scared to ask for. 

I thought that because I had eaten Lyme-happy foods that I didn't deserve the antibiotics.

The ONLY thing that drove me to ask for the extra help? An evening on cloud nine.

I was invited to a get-together by a very darling friend of mine, Susan Green. 

She hosted a lovely dinner for the incredible, inspirational, Lyme-fighting, bike-loving, bearer of hope, John Donnally. He just completed a two-month cycling adventure that consisted of 4,000 miles across country to raise money for Lyme Disease Awareness: $50,000 DOLLARS!!!!!!!! (Here's a link to his wonderful story ❤)

I was in a lot of pain that day & worried I wouldn't be able to make the drive out to Susan's house so my dad came with me. (THANK YOU, DAD!!!!!!!❤) 

We stepped foot into her house & were immediately embraced by warmth & positive energy. I knew something unforgettable was about to take place.

Along with the pleasure of seeing dear Susan again, I was given the opportunity to meet a whole group of other warm-hearted individuals, several of which were very close to my age! 

Being able to talk to someone 22 years of age who is sadly going through the exact same crap as me, fighting the same relentless bugs as me, running away from the same darkness as me.... It was surreal. It was a connection I will never forget. 

After that night, after that unbelievably tight bond, I knew. 

I knew this could be beaten.

I knew I would eventually make it to the other side.

I knew I could get to a better place.

I knew "CAREFREE"would make its way into my vocabulary. 

I knew I would stop at NOTHING to be well.

I knew achieving wellness was my top priority & nothing was going to change that. 

I knew the impossible was possible.

I left the event that night knowing things would be different from then on.

I didn't care how it would affect me in school.

I knew that if I didn't get a strong grip on these bugs now while I had the chance to live at home & get help from my family, I may never have another chance. 

The time is NOW. 

I refuse to let my fears get the best of me. 

I'm going to take these antibiotics & FORCE them to work via positive energy.

My body will follow my mind.

In the meantime, I will keep my eyes on the target & I will keep moving forward.

In other words, 

❤Get lost in my favorite books on taxidermy, the plastic in the ocean, Stephen King horror awesomeness...

❤Forget what day of the week it is after spending three hours completing a complex rubber band bracelet.

❤Cross my fingers & experiment with juicing. 

❤Get excited about a new bottle of probiotics. 

❤Suspect Santa stopped by early this year when a brand new pair of COMPRESSION SOCKS showed up at my front door. 

❤Shed tears of joy when I think about being one step closer to getting my two-year degree. 

❤Spend any pennies I've got lying around on more Epsom salt & baking soda to fulfill my craving for DETOXING. 

❤Choose SLEEP over exercise. 

❤Go crazy with stickers on FB messenger. 

❤Listen to more classical music than I'd like to admit.

❤Watch enough Supernatural to add "hunter" to my resume. 

Who said killing bugs can't be FUN?

;)

❤Allie
PS Another blog post is coming soon!

STOP. BREATHE. SMILE. ❤

(First & foremost, SO SORRY for such a big gap between posts. 1a0z,cnbjktly8yitn4pt%60@#*!^azmnpq!)

STOP 

Before you continue, I want you to ask yourself a few things. Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life? Did things go as originally planned? Are you right on track? Have you missed a beat or has it been smooth sailing?

If you're like me, the answer to those questions would be NO. I'm not at all where I thought I'd be by this age. Things DID NOT go as originally planned. I missed quite a number of beats & it's been far from smooth sailing. 

So, the question is, where do you go from here? Now that you've grown comfortable with coloring outside the lines, what are you going to tackle next?

Well, I've asked myself these "philosophical" questions about a million times. It's part of the package, right? ;) "Is this where I'm meant to be", "is this my destiny", "is this the right career for me", "should I be doing something else that might be better on my fragile health".... The list goes on & on. But seeing how I've been playing this game of tug-of-war for several years now, I've finally learned something. It's not as complicated as we sometimes make it out to be. It doesn't have to be as frustrating as we make it on ourselves. It doesn't have to be a letdown if we stand up & take action. What are you going to do next, you ask? 

"I DON'T REALLY KNOW".

How about THAT for an answer? I mean, who in the world ever said we had to have an answer to EVERY question? ;) What if we honestly don't know? Should we feel obligated to fill in the blanks? "Go to school, meet someone, get married, have kids, the end". Is that the happy ending everyone should reach for? What if you know what you want but you aren't sure the timing is right? I KNOW what makes me happy; there is NO doubt about that. But it's not the time for park rangering or zookeepering or archeologisting or bookstoring right now. I'm grateful to be making it through school; wasn't even sure I'd be able to do that. I have to address my health before I take on something as serious as a lifelong career or even a part-time job. I long to work from 9 to 5. There's nothing I want more than that hard adult life like everyone else when Fridays mean confetti drops from the ceiling & a loud speaker starts playing the oldies. BUT I have to take it day by day. Until then, I'll find other littler things to be happy about like...

ItMakesMeHappyCo., sister to my baking company (here's a sneak peek!!)

❤A new rubber band jewelry/accessories company.

❤Trips to the sauna.

❤Cups of hot chicken soup

❤Recently-added movies on Netflix.

❤A cup of wonderfully cold & crunchy ice chips to nibble on.

❤New soft & fuzzy pajama pants.

❤A software update on your phone that makes the widgets/apps look super high-techy. 

❤Salt baths with the light dimmed & a few drops of a gentle essential oil.

❤Road trips that don't end in tears from going off the grid BY ACCIDENT.
❤A nice big bottle of organic lemon juice aka a bottle of CONVENIENCE.
❤Extra zzzzz's.
❤Making new friends every day on my Facebook SCD Support Group Page from all over the world.
❤The best movie under the sun- "You've Got Mail".
❤Retaining information as your brain gets its groove back.
❤Bottles of sparkling water when you've got the itch for something fancy schmancy.

BREATHE

RIGHT NOW, those are the things I cling to. 
RIGHT NOW, those are the things I think about to keep me going. 
RIGHT NOW, the other things are on hold. 
They are NOT FORGOTTEN, just on the back burner until further notice.

And you want to know something? I think I'm finally OK with that. I think I've learned to be relatively content with the rate I'm moving at. I'll cherish the better days & I'll wish away the bad days. I'll keep moving forward toward the greener pasture in my near future. I can just start to see it. Pretty soon it'll come into view & it'll be all that I see; that day will be the most beautiful day of my life & I cannot wait to enjoy it with you guys.

We have to learn to say OK. We have to learn to say ENOUGH. We even have to learn to say SHUT UP. You have to dig real deep into your soul to find those words but it CAN be done.

SMILE

In the meantime, don't let a second go by without a smile on your face. Find something to trigger that grin. ANYTHING. A movie, a best friend, a cute pet, a new rubber band bracelet, :) a walk outside.... It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it works for you. 

I know you hear this all the time but it never gets old. DON'T QUIT. I'm rooting for you. Aways have, always will. 
❤

Lots of love, Allie

PS A WHOLE LOT more to come!! I've got some blogging "catching up" to do!

One after 21 and one before 23

I turned 22 today. 

TWENTY-TWO. 

11 + 11. 

1, 2, 3, 4, 

5, 6, 7, 

8, 9, 10, 

11, 12, 13, 

14, 15, 16, 17, 

18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

Twenty plus 2. 

Two x two x two x two + 6. 

Three weeks and a day. 

A palindrome!

21 is a thing of the past.

Today marks...

22 years of smelling the roses.

8,030 days of laughing until you cry.

192,720 hours of living life to the fullest. 

693,792,000 seconds of embracing each moment.

❤

It's been a "Pollock" painting from the start: numerous colors, brights, darks, swirls, zig-zags, splotches, thin lines, thick lines, no clear direction. 

It has certainly taught me to look before I jump, think before I speak, laugh before I cry, try before I deny, question before I silence, walk before I run, skip before I leap, give before I take. 

❤

I can't say I've arrived here unscathed. I can't say I've landed here with my compass pointing North. I can't say that I'm here and I know where I'm going. 

❤

HOWEVER, there are a number of things I CAN say (22, actually). ;) 

1 I have a closet addiction to national/state parks.

2 I hate yogurt; it's TOO slimy!

3 I want to save all the manatees in the world from propellers and careless people.

4 I am part fish.

5 I love movies. 

6 I take Epsom salt baths when I need to relax.

7 I am obsessed with cook books. 

8 I have a tendency to use sticky notes for EVERYTHING.

9 I like to drive without a destination.

10 People in costumes freak me out.

11 I absolutely love my blood relatives.

12 I adore my internet family.

13 I cherish my dear friends.

14 I think of going to the zoo as a form of therapy.

15 Typing quickly makes me giggle.

16 I have grown extremely fond of homemade chicken soup.

17 I don't like roller coasters.

18 I have always had a funny relationship with sand: it's too clingy.

19 I could never own too many blankets. 

20 I want to go to the Galapagos Islands more than anything in the world.

21I love to exercise (SWIMMING, in particular).

22 Books are the key to my heart.

❤ 

There are a lot of things I don't know, but I know these & I just have to remind myself of that whenever there's a cloud above my head that refuses to move along. 

❤   

My health is aggressively challenging my positivity right now but I've got secret weapons. I've got secret stashes of goodness I can dip into whenever I'm feeling low on giddiness. 

I've made it 22 years on this beautiful planet with only one goal in mind. To BE. Regardless of the Lyme, I'm going to continue to BE me. 

I don't plan on stopping no matter how many bugs have decided to inhabit my system. ;) 

NOW, it's time to party like a TRUE SCDer & cook some chicken. 

❤

Until next time, stay happy my darling readers. You're one of the reasons I smile every day & I hope you're grinning like a goof yourself. 

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE,

Allie 

❤

You CAN Do This

WELL...

It’s difficult to admit how tough things are.

You don’t want to bring people down.

Once you say it, it feels REAL.

If you deny it, then you don’t have to face it.

Sometimes this is easier than stepping out of our shell.

We don’t like admitting we’re different.

We’ll never like being different, some days will just be easier than others.

Somedays, you’ll feel like you’ve been run over by a Mac truck.

Those are the days we fear the most.

Those are the moments we hope we survive.

When your level of pain gets you thinking about dying in order to escape the torture, you need some TLC.

When you cry yourself silly, you probably need a hug.

This crap is unpredictable; that’s the nature of this beast.

We never know when we might crash.

We never know what might trigger a negative response.

It could be bright lights.

It could be a funky smell.

It could be standing for too long.

It could be sitting for too long.

It could be carrying a heavy bag of groceries.

It could be staying up too late & losing sleep.

It could be something as harmless as anxiety when running into an old acquaintance who will most likely ask, “How are you?”.

ANYTHING can send our system for a tailspin. 

If we wanted to avoid all triggers, we’d spend all day every single day home in bed.

The problem with that? NO HUMAN CONTACT! 

Guess what? WE NEED PEOPLE TO HEAL!

Yes, people are medicinal. 

Without seeing anyone, we might heal physically BUT we won’t heal mentally.

In order to reach full wellness, BOTH needs must be addressed.

If you’re too sick to work, stay in touch with your coworkers. 

Don’t let them slip out of your life.

If you’re too sick to see anyone, see if they can have a phone chat with you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let your mind get the best of you.

Write down a list of things that make you smile. 

Focus on incorporating those things into your wellness plan.

Laugh as much as you can.

Smile like a broken record. 

Text as many people as you’d like.

Take up a new hobby.

Next time you eat soup, invite a friend over to have some with you (if you’re feeling well enough). 

Watch a movie that makes you laugh so hard that you shed a few tears.

Don’t get stuck in the past.

Keep looking forward.

When you’re feeling edgy & ready to eat something wrong, call or text someone. 

Find something you’ve gained from this illness. 

Courage; strength; compassion; determination; an array of emotions; tight relationships; irreplaceable companions; big bags of Epsom salt; copious cups of chicken soup. ;) 

If we’re going to get through this, we have to do whatever we can to keep our minds bright & positive.

That’s the only way we’ll succeed. 

We cannot let our darkest hours consume us.

We cannot lose our life over these illnesses. 

We must recognize our RIGHT to live a WONDERFUL life, no matter how messed up our body might be.

It’s okay to be sad & feel worn out but don’t let those feelings take up residence in your mind. They should only be temporary tenants.

See? We can do this. We can make it through to the other side. It might require an absurd amount of patience but you CAN do it. 

I’m fighting too, so remember you aren’t alone. 

There’s strength in numbers, right? 

XOXO, 

Allie