Monday, June 10, 2013

No more googling, no more searching, no more darkness, no more drowning, FINALLY!!! THE VERDICT IS IN!

IT'S CHRONIC LYME DISEASE
>I'm not crazy
>It wasn't all in my head
>I didn't make it up
>I've been validated by the Igenex blood test
>Everything has been real
>Those misdiagnoses separated me from the right treatment
>I've been living in fear
>The bodily joint/muscle pain is a reality
>The numerous sensitivities are true; I'm not just a freak about food
>It's time for me to HEAL

Since the summer of 2004,
>I've wondered what happened to my body
>I've wondered what I did wrong
>I've been told "oh, she must have a bigger appetite now; that explains the weight gain"
>I've been told "maybe you're sick because you live at home with your parents"
>I've seen too many doctors to count
>I've never stopped searching for explanations
>I've opted out of MULTIPLE (and I mean A LOT of) social events
>I've distanced myself from family & friends & coworkers 
>I've struggled with extremely terrible, unbearable anxiety (starting to improve now) 
>I've been at a loss of words whenever someone asks "how are you?"
>I've been frowned upon for telling the truth & frowned upon for hiding behind it
>I've tried to live a big life no matter how hard things have gotten
>I've continued to dream of a greener pasture presenting itself at some point in my life
>I've been an unreasonably nervous dater (can't eat out? not easy to work with nowadays)
>I've attempted to exercise my way out of this mess by practically killing myself at the gym/with too much hot yoga
>I've cried myself to sleep
>I've yelled at the people I love most
>I've pushed people away when they didn't understand (even though it was too complicated even for me)
>I've been living in denial of this horrible *no name until now* disease that's wreaked havoc throughout my whole system
>I've hidden from the world on several occasions 
>I've tried to mask the pain with a smile
>I've dropped out of my dream college because I was too sick to continue
>I've picked up the pieces & attended my community college despite wanting to spread my wings & fly away
>I've fixated on things that bring me joy like Stephen King books
>I've always told people "oh, this is just a rough patch. I'll be fine in a little bit", not wanting to confront the truth of the matter 
>I've been depressed
>I've sweated through t-shirts in a matter of minutes
>I've looked hungover because of a food
>I've been judged
>I've found myself eating the wrong foods out of depression & fright & confusion 
>I've questioned my sanity 
>I've broken seven bones
>I've wanted a different life
>I've wanted the pain to stop
>I've died to be like the rest of my friends; entirely carefree
>I've been too fragile to dance the night away
>I've been too fragile to live on the edge
>I've been too scared to be somewhere without access to help
>I've grown tired of trying to explain when someone asks "what's wrong?"
>I've been haunted by the RSD physical therapy program I was part of at the Children's Hospital of Philly
>I've found comfort in movies because they never questioned my illness or whether or not I was faking it
>I've always thought this couldn't be my story; something will change eventually
>I'm not in Wonderland anymore

It's time for me to look this bug right in the eyes & kill it; kill it for good. It's never too late to capture the flag & win the game. To those of you who never left my side, thanks for cheering me on & never losing confidence in me. I will be grateful for your love for the rest of my life. My road to recovery has begun.  

XOXO, Allie


4 comments:

  1. Keep chopping at that wood Allie
    Nick from frostburg

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  2. glad things are looking up girly :) you can do it!

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  3. Allie, your strength make me feel stronger. I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. I will always support you. Good luck on this next section of your journey to heal. I am here for you cheering you on every step of the way!!! <3 Emily

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  4. Hey lady. I'm so happy you've finally figured out what this is and how you're going to move forward. You're so strong and such an inspiration. I can't wait to see you and celebrate you taking life back by the horns!

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