Monday, June 10, 2013

No more googling, no more searching, no more darkness, no more drowning, FINALLY!!! THE VERDICT IS IN!

>I'm not crazy
>It wasn't all in my head
>I didn't make it up
>I've been validated by the Igenex blood test
>Everything has been real
>Those misdiagnoses separated me from the right treatment
>I've been living in fear
>The bodily joint/muscle pain is a reality
>The numerous sensitivities are true; I'm not just a freak about food
>It's time for me to HEAL

Since the summer of 2004,
>I've wondered what happened to my body
>I've wondered what I did wrong
>I've been told "oh, she must have a bigger appetite now; that explains the weight gain"
>I've been told "maybe you're sick because you live at home with your parents"
>I've seen too many doctors to count
>I've never stopped searching for explanations
>I've opted out of MULTIPLE (and I mean A LOT of) social events
>I've distanced myself from family & friends & coworkers 
>I've struggled with extremely terrible, unbearable anxiety (starting to improve now) 
>I've been at a loss of words whenever someone asks "how are you?"
>I've been frowned upon for telling the truth & frowned upon for hiding behind it
>I've tried to live a big life no matter how hard things have gotten
>I've continued to dream of a greener pasture presenting itself at some point in my life
>I've been an unreasonably nervous dater (can't eat out? not easy to work with nowadays)
>I've attempted to exercise my way out of this mess by practically killing myself at the gym/with too much hot yoga
>I've cried myself to sleep
>I've yelled at the people I love most
>I've pushed people away when they didn't understand (even though it was too complicated even for me)
>I've been living in denial of this horrible *no name until now* disease that's wreaked havoc throughout my whole system
>I've hidden from the world on several occasions 
>I've tried to mask the pain with a smile
>I've dropped out of my dream college because I was too sick to continue
>I've picked up the pieces & attended my community college despite wanting to spread my wings & fly away
>I've fixated on things that bring me joy like Stephen King books
>I've always told people "oh, this is just a rough patch. I'll be fine in a little bit", not wanting to confront the truth of the matter 
>I've been depressed
>I've sweated through t-shirts in a matter of minutes
>I've looked hungover because of a food
>I've been judged
>I've found myself eating the wrong foods out of depression & fright & confusion 
>I've questioned my sanity 
>I've broken seven bones
>I've wanted a different life
>I've wanted the pain to stop
>I've died to be like the rest of my friends; entirely carefree
>I've been too fragile to dance the night away
>I've been too fragile to live on the edge
>I've been too scared to be somewhere without access to help
>I've grown tired of trying to explain when someone asks "what's wrong?"
>I've been haunted by the RSD physical therapy program I was part of at the Children's Hospital of Philly
>I've found comfort in movies because they never questioned my illness or whether or not I was faking it
>I've always thought this couldn't be my story; something will change eventually
>I'm not in Wonderland anymore

It's time for me to look this bug right in the eyes & kill it; kill it for good. It's never too late to capture the flag & win the game. To those of you who never left my side, thanks for cheering me on & never losing confidence in me. I will be grateful for your love for the rest of my life. My road to recovery has begun.  

XOXO, Allie


  1. Keep chopping at that wood Allie
    Nick from frostburg

  2. glad things are looking up girly :) you can do it!

  3. Allie, your strength make me feel stronger. I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. I will always support you. Good luck on this next section of your journey to heal. I am here for you cheering you on every step of the way!!! <3 Emily

  4. Hey lady. I'm so happy you've finally figured out what this is and how you're going to move forward. You're so strong and such an inspiration. I can't wait to see you and celebrate you taking life back by the horns!