When I found myself sitting in the bathroom at 5:30am—alone—sneaking a piece of my mom’s gluten-free birthday cake, I knew I needed help.
Sneaking food at the crack of dawn. In the bathroom. And no, it wasn't lettuce or brussel sprouts that I was eating; it was gluten-free cake with pink dye and likely many other ingredients that my body doesn't tolerate.
What in the world was I doing?!?!?!?!
I couldn’t let anyone see me eat the cake because that would mean I’m human and I can’t be human;
I have to be superhuman.
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In order to conquer this cruel disease, you have to be superhuman.
You have to have the strength to be stronger than the bugs.
You have to have the courage to eat steak when others around you are eating cake
for a birthday celebration—and also when there’s some of your mom’s gluten-free cake in the fridge.
You have to have the willingness to stand out and march to the beat of your own drum.
You have to be prepared to do what works for you, even if it means packing your own food, or not eating at all [if the restaurant cannot guarantee a gluten-free meal].
You have to be superhuman. That’s the only way you will succeed in this bug-against-human war.
Right? Right????......
But here’s the thing: I get it now.
It’s taken me six years to come to this conclusion. Ever since I received my diagnosis of Chronic Lyme Disease in June 2013, I assumed the role of a superhuman, naturally believing that was the only way for me to beat this disease.
When I found myself sitting in the bathroom at 5:30am—alone—sneaking a piece of my mom’s gluten-free birthday cake, I realized I do not have to be superhuman any longer.
I can be human. I can struggle. I can wish. I can desire. I can want. I can want to have cake and eat it.
I get it now:
"You do not have to be superhuman to fight Chronic Lyme Disease."
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You do not need to be superhuman and more importantly, you shouldn’t be this way; period.
Once you arrive at this conclusion, I truly believe you can start healing.
When you’re at a birthday party and people are eating cake, or french fries, donuts, tortilla chips, spaghetti, pie, brownies, grilled cheese sandwich, or any other scrumptious food that is not considered friendly for your special gut, go ahead and allow yourself to feel frustrated. I know I do. ;) But once you’ve acknowledged this emotion, kick it to the curb. Let my voice be the voice in your head, helping you to shift gears and TAKE CONTROL of the situation. Push that frustration aside and remember: you are worthy of feeling well and uninflamed. Don't let the struggle win. Beat it. Beat the bugs. Remind yourself that you’re only human and then shift your focus. Pull out a container of your most favorite dish that you packed the night before the event. If you’re home and your best options are all in the refrigerator, remember to look BEYOND the cake [or whatever is in there that's torturing you].
The secret word here is
‘planning’.
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When you know you’ll be in a difficult social situation with foods you want, but cannot have, prepare a super-special dish for yourself.
Whatever dish brings you the most joy, and does not harm your insides or fuel the bacteria - this is what you should reach for when faced with cake either at a party, or in your own refrigerator.
You’re allowed to want to eat cake. No one will accuse you of cheating, or being a bad person, or committing a crime.
No one will judge you if you have the desire to be able to tolerate more foods - foods that most people can eat on any given day. I repeat: no one will judge you.
You’re HUMAN.
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Sneaking these foods that you desperately wish you could tolerate, though.... is NOT the answer. If you’re going to cave, eat the food publicly with your friends and family.
Don’t run off and sneak it by yourself in your car, bathroom, basement, or any other place where no one can find you.
"You are worthy of trying these special foods in the presence of others."
I ate ice cream out in public with my loved one and it was one of the most fulfilling food-related experiences of my life.
I didn’t sneak ice cream in the bathroom, at 5:30am, by myself.
I didn't get in my car and sneakily eat out of an ice cream container while sitting in a parking lot,
by myself.
I didn't sneak into the basement in the middle of the night and eat ice cream from the freezer,
by myself.
I ate coffee ice cream, out in public,
with my loved one.
It was magical for my soul.
So, if you're reading this and feeling as if you're reading a page from your own book, I am empowering you to be human.
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I am giving you the strength to remove your mask, untie your superhuman cape, and embrace your emotions in front of others.
Don't feel like you have to hide and keep your struggles a secret.
It's ok to be frustrated.
Next time you're faced with a situation that blindslides you, here's what to do:
1) Call someone. If you're not with someone, call someone and let your feelings flow freely. I was freaking out the other night about my swollen legs and instead of letting my frustration direct my actions, I called my dear friend and he talked me through it. Amazingly, I felt better almost instantly, just acknowledging my frustration. Just hearing myself acknowledge my pain felt so freeing.
2) P-L-A-N. Plan, plan, plan. Always have cooked meals or snacks in the fridge/freezer for any possible social situations that might come up with no known safe foods involved. This way, you can pack a meal and be a part of the event, eat your own food, and be happy. My darling friend Elana, of "Elana's Pantry," has some phenomenal gut-friendly recipes that you should check out so you can happily tackle any social situation.
3) Meditate. Take some time, every single day, to stop and meditate. If you're a 'nonstop warrior' and I imagine that most of you are, it's important for you to stop and give your mind a chance to heal itself. Here's a meditation that I absolutely love. This is best for before bed, or a day off of work. My mind goes a million miles a minute, thinking about how to cope with my sweaty clothes, or where my homeopathic pain pills are, or what I'm going to eat/what I have to cook, so meditation is something I have come to truly appreciate as part of my toolkit.
4) Giggle. Go to YouTube and find a funny video clip or comedy skit. Laughter is free medicine. Here's one clip that brings me so much healing laughter that I can almost feel the bugs dying off under the unstoppable force of positive energy.
5) LOVE yourself. Love your cells. Love your vessel. Love your hard-working machine of a body. Love your body for all that it does to try and beat these cruel critters. Forgive yourself for whatever wrong turns you've made in the past. Appreciate your efforts and success in making it to this point on your journey to wellness. Love all that is you.
Lots of love,
Allie
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p.s. These photos below were taken at the Phipps Conservatory in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What a HEALING palace!!! Oh my goodness GRACIOUS!!!! I'm still sorting through my photos, so keep an artsy eye out for more.
p.s.s. I met the most magical, strong, courageous, inspiring, and darling young lady this past weekend. She just turned 14 years old and has already been battling Chronic Lyme Disease for 10 years. We met, we hugged, and we bonded on a very special level. Wait until you hear her story. Look out for that next post.
